


The One With The Alien Plants

by in_the_bottle



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-24
Updated: 2008-02-24
Packaged: 2017-11-02 07:36:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_the_bottle/pseuds/in_the_bottle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's Owen doing with those alien plants? And why is Ianto acting like he's had one too many expressos?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One With The Alien Plants

**Author's Note:**

> Work has driven me crazy. It really has, but OMG! I wrote something!! \o/ Many thanks to [](http://out-there.livejournal.com/profile)[**out_there**](http://out-there.livejournal.com/) for the beta! She made it much much better! :D

When Ianto stepped into the Hub at precisely 7:02AM, he could tell something was... well, not exactly wrong, but not quite right either. Jack had been gone for more than two weeks now (17 days, 14 hours and 26 minutes, but Ianto really wasn't counting) and the Hub always felt slightly amiss without him, but this was something new.

Ianto Jones was a cautious man. To work at Torchwood, he had to be. So he took out his gun (no harm ever came from being prepared, another thing that was essential for a Torchwood employee), and took a careful sweep of the Hub.

The cause of Ianto's uneasiness quickly became apparent when he found Owen asleep on the sofa, hugging a pot of... Ianto wasn't sure what was in the pot. It didn't looked like any plant he knew, and he was fairly certain Mother Nature never intended bright purple and neon orange to exists on the same plant, if that was what it was. The plant, for the lack of a better word, was shaped almost like a Japanese pagoda, its leaves purple and pointy. Right at the top of the whole thing was a large orange flower.

Then it...

Ianto blinked, wondering if what he just saw was real or if the stress of Jack's disappearance had started to take its toll. Maybe he was starting to hallucinate. Surely the plant hadn't just done what he thought it did?

Ianto took a startled step back, almost stumbling down the stairs when the plant did it again. It moved. It looked a bit like it was stretching its neck. If it had a neck to begin with.

"Owen," Ianto called out to the sleeping doctor. When he didn't get a response, he tried again, louder. "Owen!"

The doctor jerked awake, almost dropping the pot as he struggled to sit up. Ianto could've sworn he heard a small cry of "Eep!" from the direction of the pot, but he couldn't be sure.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I was doing, genius?" Owen snapped irritably.

"It looked like you spent the night in the office sleeping with an alien potted plant."

Owen opened his mouth to speak, only to shut it a moment later without uttering a single word. Then he looked down at the pot he was still holding.

"And now it looks like you're doing a rather bad job of impersonating a gold-fish."

"Oh, sod off!" Owen carefully put the pot down onto the coffee table and rubbed his face with his hands.

Ianto rolled his eyes at the typical Harper retort. "Owen, what is that?"

"What's what?"

"That!" Ianto pointed at the pot. "And where did you get it? Not to mention why you felt the need to bring it to bed."

"It's a plant." Owen was still sitting on the sofa, looking half asleep. "Found it on the autopsy table last night. Rift must've spat it out."

"And you decided it was safe enough to sleep with."

"I ran some tests," Owen sounded defensive. "Other than some residual rift energy and some uh... interesting properties, it's completely harmless."

"Define 'interesting properties'."

"The pollen might share some similar properties to a certain type of mushroom."

Ianto raised his eyebrows. "So, you're saying you got high on inter-dimensional alien rift plant and fell asleep on the sofa cuddling it?"

If Ianto hadn't been looking directly at Owen for some sort of reaction, he would've missed the slight grimace. There was definitely more to this story. It suddenly occurred to Ianto that the CCTV would have recorded whatever shenanigans Owen had been up to the previous night.

It seemed that Owen's brain was sufficiently awake to come to the same conclusion; before Ianto could make his way down the steps, Owen launched himself off the sofa and grabbed at him.

Ianto had never seen Owen move so fast before, not even when faced with the end of the world. However, while Owen was fast, his grip on Ianto was clumsy. Ianto easily dislodged Owen's hold on him and ran towards the nearest computer terminal, leaving Owen sprawled on the floor, trying to regain enough balance to give chase.

Calling up last night's CCTV video was easy enough, and Ianto had the presence of mind to email himself a copy before staring at the screen in... Ianto wasn't sure _what_ exactly he was feeling.

"Jones! You're a dead man!" Owen used his entire body weight and slammed into Ianto, the momentum causing them both to stumble onto the floor, but it was already too late. Ianto had seen the video.

The sound of laughter seemed to momentarily confused Owen. Ianto was actually startled to realise he was the one laughing uncontrollably, pinned to the floor from his own breathless chortling more than from Owen's weight.

"What's. So. Funny?" Owen gritted out.

Ianto could barely make out his own voice. "The plant... pot! You! You and that..." he dissolved into helpless giggles again, unable to finish the sentence.

Owen let go of him and stood up. The look of disgust he aimed at Ianto only made Ianto laugh harder.

After about five minutes, Ianto finally managed to get himself under control, with Owen still glaring at him. "So..." Ianto trailed off, looking back at Owen and struggling to contain the giggles that threatened to escape once more. An idea suddenly came to him. "What are you offering?"

It took a moment for Owen to work out what Ianto was saying, his eyes growing wide in surprise.

"You'll get rid of that from the archive and no one will _ever_ find out?"

"Depends on your offer, really."

The glint in Owen's eyes made Ianto question his own judgement, but only for a moment. When they finally agreed on the details and shook hands in gentlemanly fashion (ignoring the fact that blackmail Owen with CCTV footage was far from gentlemanly), it was almost ten to eight and the girls were due to arrive any minute.

Quickly, Owen found a place to stash the plant (which seemed to have stopped moving or making strange sounds, much to Ianto's relief), and Ianto made quick work of the CCTV recordings. He would have to come back later to finish hiding his tracks, but for now, this would pass the cursory morning checks.

Just as Ianto hit the last command and closed the window, Tosh and Gwen arrived together. Their heads bent close to each other, whispering and neither seemed to notice anything was awry. That lasted until lunchtime when more plants started popping up around the Hub like rabbits out of a magician's hat.

They soon ran out of room in Owen's lab and started piling them up in the boardroom instead. Tosh ran some scans, which seemed to indicate that the plants all came from the same place on the other side of the rift. Owen managed to convinced Tosh to let him run the rest of the tests, claiming biology was more his forte than her's. Somehow, Ianto talked Gwen into letting them convert the boardroom into a plant lab and makeshift hothouse.

* * *

Three weeks later, Ianto was questioning his sanity for the twelve-billionth time that month. He should have known better than to let Owen involve him in his research.

"Just take your time, Owen, I can hold on to him for as long as you need." Ianto brandished the weevil spray once more, causing the creature to shrink back slightly.

"Just a minute!" Owen finally wrestled the syringe free from the bottle and plunge the needle into the struggling weevil's neck.

The effect was immediate. Right after the weevil howled in pain, it became unnaturally quiet and docile. Its eyes, if Ianto was right, were getting unfocused.

Unconsciously, Ianto leaned in closer to observe the effect the drug was having on the weevil, with Owen mirroring his moves. The weevil's lips moved. Owen and Ianto took a step back.

"Was that...." Owen trailed off, unable to finish his question.

"Let's not do that again."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather they eat me than smile at me."

Ianto could only nod in agreement.

* * *

Gwen and Tosh were none the wiser about their after hours activities, and it was only a few days after the weevil incident that Ianto was once again questioning his sanity. Better weevil sprays, shared credit in curing cancer, and forty percent of any profit arising from the plant research really wasn't worth it. Maybe Jack's disappearance really _had_ cracked him. It was the only explanation Ianto could give to explain why he'd voluntarily agreed to Owen's plans. He should've just sent the damn video to the girls and be done with it, to hell with the greater good of mankind. Instead he was now faced with a determined Owen (though Ianto had to admit, the doctor had been behaving less like a prat ever since they started the project).

"No."

"Come on, who else am I supposed to test this on?"

Ianto merely looked at Owen.

"Hey, I need to be able to observe and record the effects."

"I take better notes than you."

"I'm the one with the medical degree."

"Right. Lemme think about it. Hmm..." Ianto paused, staring across the Hub as he pretended to consider it. "No."

"What about if we..."

Ianto didn't give Owen the chance to finish. It was frightening that he knew what Owen was going to suggest. They'd definitely been spending too much time together. "No. Because they _will_ find out and make your life a living hell."

"Right." Owen looked thoughtful. "Why me? You're involved in this, too!"

"Because they know I'd never agree to this. Also, I'm cute and bring them coffee." Sometimes being the 'teaboy' had its perks. Since Jack was gone, his job description had expanded exponentially, but providing the coffee was still a great bargaining tool. "I'd also like to remind you of a certain CCTV incident a few weeks ago which I still have a copy of, so forget about it."

When Owen stormed away in a huff, Ianto figured the smirk was well deserved.

* * *

Then Jack returned and asked Ianto out on a date. Ianto was so distracted he didn't even notice Owen spiking his tea with one of his new plant concoctions. Not until they got back to Ianto's flat by the Bay, and Jack commented on Ianto's rather unusual behaviour.

"Not that I don't appreciate the enthusiasm, but as much as I'd like to take credit, I don't think it's entirely caused by me or the bottle of Merlot we shared at dinner."

"Um..." Ianto looked at Jack, lost for words.

Jack raised an eyebrow at him. "Let me guess."

"I'd rather you didn't," Ianto mumbled.

"It's got to do with why the boardroom is now a greenhouse-slash-laboratory."

Ianto refused to say anything.

"I'm guessing Owen has been having a bit of fun with those plants, given the way he's watering and mothering over them."

Nope. Ianto was not saying anything at all.

"And somehow, you got dragged into it, and being the sensible guy that you are, you refused to test out his latest product, and – " Jack traced a thumb from Ianto's jaws to his lips. "He's somehow managed to slip you some."

Jack smiled.

It seemed that Ianto didn't have to say anything at all.

Cure for cancer or not, Doctor Owen Harper was a dead man.

"Jack?"

"Yes, Ianto?"

"I think there's something you should see."

The End.


End file.
